Lost

Lost

I feel a loss so powerful

That I cannot breathe.
I cannot think.
But I can cry and I can pray.

When I found out about you I was so scared because I wanted everything for you and didn’t know if I could do that.

I went shopping for your clothes.

I got clothes to wear for when you changed my body.

I now wear those clothes to cover the scars from the surgery.

Daddy and I were looking forward to spending the holidays with you and finding out if you were a boy or a girl.

The blood that day was scary and I worried for you. All I could think about was whether you were okay or not.

The doctor didn’t give answers.

I went home and tried to relax so that you would be okay.

It happened again the next day, the blood, then the doctor.

But this time there was a concerned look on his face.

Daddy and I went to see a different doctor and he told us all about you.

He said that you had grown, only it wasn’t a place where you could stay.

I wanted so badly for it not to be true. I wanted him to say that we could save you.

Seeing you on the monitor filled me with so many emotions. I was so excited to finally see you, but I was so sad that I had to say goodbye.

Healing from the surgery keeps my mind busy, but healing from the loss of my precious baby will take more time.

You will always be with me. I will love you forever. 

Elizabeth Seibel - 1/9/2011